This article is reproduced from The Punch, Tuesday 22 Jan.
The Property Council of Australia – in one of those surveys aimed at getting their name on every news service - has named Adelaide Australia’s most liveable city.
Heaps good. Photo: Campbell Brodie
‘Liveable’ is such a beige term. Talk about damned with faint praise.
They used a bunch of different characteristics such as traffic congestion and housing affordability to judge each capital city.
The fact that Canberra came in second goes to show that having a rockin’ good time wasn’t a criterion. (Oh come on, the Holy Grail doesn’t count).
When people come to Adelaide, you’ll often see their eyebrows raise, their head nod faintly, as they say: “Hey, I like Adelaide!”.
Subtext: “Hey, this isn’t the weirdly-quiet-bogan-infested-murder-capital I was expecting!”
And yet interstaters are still relentlessly scathing, and locals are still defensive.
In the schoolyard of life, Adelaide is the insecure kid whose parents sent her to therapy to improve her self esteem. Repeat after me: Adelaide, you are a unique being, you are worthy of true love, you are a valuable part of the universe.
Adelaide. It’s OK!
Melbourne’s too easy. Melbourne’s the self-harming emo kid who writes bad poetry. And sometimes, almost accidentally, great poetry. On the weekend he goes to see bands no one’s ever heard of in bars down dingy alleyways. He knows he’s cooler than the superficial bimbos around him. He sulks.
Sydney’s the coke-snorting former bit-part actor who’s now teaching drama. Beautiful bordering on blowsy, with delusions of a grandeur just slightly fading. It takes a bit more lippy in the morning, but most of the class still want to shag her.
Brisbane got her ears pierced too early, chews gum loudly, and is really really popular.
Perth’s the kid no one really knows who always has wads of money to spend at the tuck shop. Hobart’s the quiet kid in the corner who only recently acquired nerd-chic.
Darwin doesn’t give much of a shit, and was the first one to get fake ID so he could buy cheap booze for the other kids.
Canberra probably has to be the principal. All rules and regulations and processes. Makes the occasional dad’s joke. Thinks he’s the centre of everyone else’s universe.
And Adelaide spends her time in class staring out the window, dreaming she is beautiful like Sydney or cool like Melbourne or popular like Brisbane. When really she’s OK.